3 am thoughts ♡

entry #2 ~ august 7, 2026
making new friends

i've always had a hard time finding new friends. well... maybe "finding" isn't even the right word. u don't really find friends, u make them. & that takes time.

when ur a kid, u don't rlly think about it that much. u just play with whoever happens 2 be there. i actually had a best friend back then & even tho we haven't talked in years, i still associate so many cool things from the 2000s with her. those memories still mean a lot 2 me.

things got a lot harder once i became a teenager. i think i was just in the wrong place, surrounded by the wrong people. i still remember how often i got judged just bc i was nerdy. i don't wanna sound like a snowflake or anything, but i noticed pretty early that... somehow i was interested in different things.

looking back it's kinda funny. i grew up in a place where there wasn't much around, but i was always drawn 2 really niche stuff. people don't have 2 understand my hobbies. but getting looked down on by people i thought were my friends... that honestly hurt.

that's why i slowly started talking 2 more people online. for the first time, i found people who shared my interests and i finally felt like i could just be myself. i think it was also exciting bc the internet was still something completely new 2 me. i struggled a lot with my self-esteem (and honestly... i still do). but there was something comforting about knowing nobody online knew what i looked like or what i sounded like. somehow that made everything less scary.

although the internet was much smaller, i always felt like it was easier 2 make new friends. i still wonder why.

was it bc everything online felt new?

was it bc i liked the old internet more?

was it bc the internet felt more nerdy and niche?

or was it simply easier 2 find people with the same interests?

i think... it was probably a little bit of everything. but i also realized pretty quickly that online friends come and go, just like friends in real life.

don't get me wrong. u don't have 2 share every single interest 2 become friends. sometimes opposites get along just fine. what hurt wasn't that people liked different things. it was constantly feeling out of place... being scared of getting judged... or feeling like i had 2 hide parts of myself just 2 fit in.

so... what changed? why is it suddenly so much harder 4 me 2 make new friends online? the internet became so much bigger. it should be easier now... but somehow it doesn't feel that way. i've been asking myself that question 4 months.

lately i haven't had much luck on discord. my private server, which i've been running for about 8 years now, has become quieter and quieter. to be fair, part of that is my own fault. after 8 years i slowly lost the motivation i used 2 have. but i'm also glad i don't pressure myself anymore. i'm rlly thankful that i still have online friends i've stayed in contact with for years. they're precious 2 me.

however... it's always nice 2 meet new people who understand u. a little change can be refreshing. last year i tried inviting new people 2 my server, but unfortunately it didn't work out. either they left after a short time or they just weren't active.

so i tried joining other servers instead, which is something i rarely do. most of the bigger servers felt overwhelming, while the smaller ones were often too inactive. i don't think i even have 2 talk about bots, ai and all the other things that make the internet feel less human. honestly, it doesn't surprise me that some people believe in the dead internet theory.

i think doomscrolling also plays a part in this. maybe that's another reason why so many people left my server so quickly. everyone just keeps scrolling. everyone keeps looking 4 the next thing. tbh doomscrolling existed back then too, but somehow i still feel like i consumed the internet in a slower way.

maybe it's bc everything was still new 2 me. or maybe it's bc u could get excited about things more easily as a kid. i just consumed what i had, whether i liked it or not. u were just happy that u had something. but i don't want 2 romanticize the past too much.

whether it's irl or online... i hope that one day i'll find my little corner of the world again.

maybe i'm not looking for a place... maybe i'm looking for people who make me feel at home. people i don't have 2 hide myself from.

until then, i'll just keep being myself. ♡

entry #3 ~ august 10, 2026
the feeling after a convention

i went to another convention last weekend. and honestly? i had a good time. really. but... i still feel like i need to get some frustration off my chest. it's probably more of a me problem than anything else & i'm not even sure where to start. i just hope i don't sound like a snowflake again lmao.

having niche interests isn't always easy. i know artists and sellers don't exactly have it easy either when they sell more niche stuff. however it's still kinda sad when you go to conventions & see mostly the same things every single year, especially when it comes to gacha stuff. ofc there are still hidden gems. there always are. but they're rare... especially here in germany.

and in general, conventions have become so commercialized. tickets alone can be pretty expensive. food and drinks can also cost a lot once you're inside, even tho i still want to support artists or small creators. another thing that makes me kinda sad is that i haven't really had the chance to cosplay during my last few conventions. it's often just way too hot... *sniff* and i feel like i see cosplayers of my favorite less and less too. i started going to conventions in the early 2010s & im pretty sure i had more luck back then. i remember seeing so many cosplayers of characters i loved, even characters that weren't even that popular. i didn't buy much stuff bc i was still young & obv didn't have much money lol.

but anyway... back to the present. i still enjoy going to conventions. i'm just gonna be honest... sometimes there's this weird empty feeling after coming home. maybe it's because i don't really connect with a lot of modern anime, manga, games or other stuff anymore. maybe i just don't find modern art that appealing. maybe it sometimes feels like i'm no longer part of the generation these conventions are aimed at. and sometimes i even wonder if i would've liked conventions more back then. i've seen old pictures and videos from conventions and... idk. something about them feels different. it's bittersweet. almost like i missed something. maybe cuz i was too young or maybe i wasn't even born yet for some of it.

maybe there were still more small conventions around. maybe things weren't quite as commercialized yet. maybe cosplays were simpler. maybe i would've loved the anime that were popular back then. and the fact that there were still so many visual kei fans around makes me weirdly nostalgic too. maybe i woud've loved the silly 2000s art styles. it almost makes me sad, although i obv can't know if it was actually better. maybe it wouldn't have been as magical as i imagine it. but sometimes i still wish i could've experienced it. at least the positive things.

another thing i've noticed is that i've managed to talk to a few people at my last conventions, but somehow those conversations never really turned into friendships anymore. i don't know why. maybe nobody really knows how to approach each other. and i think that's one of the things that can make bigger conventions feel surprisingly lonely. you can spend the whole day surrounded by hundreds of people, talk to a few of them, buy some nice stuff... and still go home feeling like you didn't really connect with anyone. sometimes you leave with bags full of merch & an emptier feeling than you expected.

but you know what? sometimes i like thinking about something else. maybe someone was 2 scared to talk with me. maybe someone saw my cosplay, my outfit, or the weird little piece of merch i was carrying around. maybe they recognized a character they loved. maybe it reminded them of something nostalgic. showing them that someone else out there still loves those weird, old or fogotten things too. and even if that person never said anything... maybe i still made their whole day. even if it was just one person.

i think that's actually a pretty nice thought. ♡

entry #4 ~ august 11, 2026
why does everything feel so personal?

today was one of those days where something rlly small somehow managed 2 ruin my entire mood.

nothing dramatic happened... but somehow i kept thinking about it 4 the rest of the day. i think what bothered me wasn't even the words themselves... it was the feeling behind them. like i was being treated unfairly for something i didn't even do wrong?? sometimes i get the feeling that other people can do certain things without anyone caring, while i somehow get called out for the smallest things. maybe i'm imagining some of it, idk?? but when you're already tired, it's hard not 2 notice. the worst part is that i know i wasn't doing anything wrong. i was trying my best. i was doing what i was supposed 2 do. and yet, one little comment was enough to make me think "okay... maybe i'm not doing enough."

and then i started overthinking everything... maybe i should talk less. maybe i should work faster. maybe i'm annoying, etc. it's kinda ridiculous how quickly my brain can turn one small moment into a whole list of things that are supposedly wrong with me. i also know that i wasn't always like this.

there was a time when i had a much thicker skin. things could annoy me, however i could usually just shrug and move on. sometimes i rlly miss that version of myself. lately it even feels like some old things are coming back... but those are things i honestly thought i had gotten better at dealing with. and that's what scares me more than the actual situation. i don't want 2 go backwards. i don't want 2 become someone who gets upset over every little thing or spends hours replaying conversations in their head. i don't want 2 feel like i always have 2 be extra careful just so nobody gets annoyed with me.

maybe tomorrow i'll feel completely different about all of this. maybe i'll look back & think it wasn't worth getting upset over. but tonight i'm still tired, still frustrated, & honestly still sad. i know i was trying. i know i didn't do anything wrong.

and the fact that i knew this time that it wasn't my fault is also a big step. i'm good at recognizing my mistakes, but unfortunately, there have been situations lately where i immediately blamed myself & apologized for things that i didn't need to apologize 4. maybe that's something i could talk about another time. i haven't really decided yet. only time will tell.

tomorrow can be another day. ♡

entry #5 ~ august 14, 2026
someone else is here

yesterday i tried playing yume 2kki online again.

there were way 2 many people 4 me tho... everything felt so chaotic that i ended up feeling even more alone smh.

but today i noticed someone else was playing someday by jojogape (online version). it's a rlly underrated yume nikki fangame that i actually played when i was like 17, during my summer holidays. which is kinda funny cuz i guess i've always liked obscure things. apparently that part of me hasn't changed much.

i joined them and they just said: "hello there :)" in the chatbox. that's it. but honestly? i was happy. bc someone answered.

idk where that person is in the game rn. i just know we're now visiting different dream worlds. we've both been playing the same game for almost an hour. we're not playing together, but smh we're still connected. maybe they're even afk. maybe they're also getting lost in the game, which is a pretty normal yume nikki experience. maybe i'll see them again someday (haha lol). maybe i won't. they won't even read this. idk who they are. idk anything about them. i just know that somewhere out there, there's at least one other person who likes this strange little game too.

and weirdly, it's a nice feeling. it made the internet mysterious again.

i also rlly like the anonymity since it reminds me of the old days of the internet. almost like guestbook entries on a website? maybe this is one of the connections i've been looking for lately. sometimes you don't need deep relationships. sometimes meeting a soulmate for a sec can be nice too.

"you're not alone. ♡"

entry #6 ~ august 20, 2026
it was there... i swear

the last few days i've suddenly been thinking A LOT about my childhood again... and no, this time i don't think it was nostalgia. i didn't have that usual "aww i wish i was a kid again" feeling. it was something else. it honestly felt like... lost media irl.

i used 2 live in a completely different state & it was basically the complete opposite of where i live now. i randomly googled my first elementary school. i was like: "wtf why is the name different now???" for a sec i thought maybe i remembered it wrong. but nope. i was right. i found old sources with the old name and had that little "HA!!! I KNEW IT!!!" moment. somehow that turned into a rabbit hole. i started looking for old photos. newspaper articles. anything from around the time i was there. maybe i'd see myself somewhere. maybe there would be a school photo i'd completely forgotten about. but... nothing. or almost nothing.

i started thinking about how weird it is that something can be such a huge part of ur life & then almost completely disappear from the internet. i started wondering if i could still remember the names of my teachers. only three names came to mind. and somehow... all three were right. i found their names in old sources. one of them even retired in 2024. there wasn't a photo, but the description sounded SO much like her that i immediately knew who it was. and suddenly i remembered things i hadn't thought about in years. she used 2 put on a little play for us. i was in it. i played a character called kümmerling.

then i started thinking about the after-school care program at the school. that was such a normal part of my everyday life back then. i was there all the time. and somehow i had completely forgotten its name. until i found it again. and then i just sat there thinking... how can i remember being there so clearly but not remember the name? and i can't remember the names of the staff anymore either. these people were part of my everyday life. i saw them all the time. and now they're just... gone from my memory. not necessarily gone as people. just gone from my version of that time.

and that's when my old hometown became a giant rabbit hole. i wanted 2 know what else i could find. there was another elementary school right next to our old apartment. it had already closed down while i was still in kindergarten. i don't remember it being a school at all. to me it was just... a building. some random building that was always there. and now, more than 20 years later, i'm sitting here thinking: what if i had gone to school there? i probably would have, too. our apartment was literally right next to it. that's such a weird thought. there's barely anything about that school online now. and it makes me wonder how many other things from my childhood disappeared without me ever realizing they were disappearing.

even our old apartment looks completely different now. there are only a few old pictures online. but i can still remember what it looked like. i even found a photo from 2006 of a little kiosk next to our apartment. i had COMPLETELY forgotten about it. but the second i saw it i immediately thought of ice cream and melon chewing gum that cost less than €1 lol. and that's it. that's basically all i can find about that kiosk. one old picture. as if it never existed. a few months ago i actually got teary-eyed when i saw our old apartment on google street view again. i still don't know if those were sad tears or happy tears. maybe both.

i couldn't remember the name of my kindergarten either. and then i found it finally. but there are basically no pictures from when i was there. it has a different name now. it looks completely different. and still... i had another "i swear it was there." moment. i only remember the name of one of the staff members. i don't remember what she looked like anymore. i couldn't find her online. i couldn't find a photo. nothing. but i KNOW she was there. and maybe that's the weirdest thing about all of this. sometimes you find proof. sometimes you don't. and somehow both things can still feel real.

then there was the supermarket. it used 2 be right next to us and later got replaced by one of those huge german chains that everyone knows. i remember the day the old store closed. everyone hated the new name. and everyone pronounced it wrong lmaooo. i still remember that. but can i find pictures of the old store? nope. ofc not. why would anyone have taken pictures of a random supermarket in the 2000s???? it was just a supermarket. it was just THERE.

there was also an ice cream place nearby... i remember it cuz it was kinda cool. it wasn't my favorite ice cream place (that was another one whoopsie), but this one had something really weird inside: an old car... idk anything about cars so i have NO idea if it was actually from the 50s, 60s or 70s. but in my memory it was this old car sitting inside the ice cream place as decoration. and somehow that detail survived for 20+ years. i found two old pictures of the outside. that's it. no pictures of the inside. no picture of the car. just my memory. and sometimes i wonder... what if i'm remembering it wrong? maybe the car looked different. maybe it wasn't even the kind of car i imagine now.

then i started thinking about my first pediatrician. i remember having 41°C fever once and sitting in the waiting room for what felt like forever before i ended up in the hospital. but i also remember feeling safe there. she was my doctor. she was just part of my childhood. and then she died unexpectedly when i was still a kid. i don't remember her face very well anymore. there are still professional records about her online, but no pictures that i can find. there's a different doctor there now. and then i saw a picture of the place. and i recognized a DOOR. a freaking door. after more than 20 years. how does my brain remember a door but not someone's face??? memory is so weird. but not everything disappeared.

there's still a store i loved as a kid. it looks different now, but it's still there. i remember going there with my best friend. she bought her first mermaid melody manga there. volume 3. i bought eden no hana & a ton of diddl mouse stuff.

when you're a kid, you don't think: "i should take a picture of this because maybe in 20 years i'll miss it." NO. of course you don't. you think: "this is my life." this is normal. you don't know that you're seeing something for the last time. there's no little notification saying: THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU WILL EVER SEE THIS. you just leave. and then life moves on.

nowadays everyone has a camera in their pocket. people take pics of everything. a few days ago i was in a museum & almost everyone around me had their phone out. and i started wondering what that means for memories. because when i was a kid, i didn't have pictures of everything. i didn't even think about it. i could have taken pictures. i could have saved things. but why would i??? i was a kid. i was busy being there.

and maybe that's why so much of my childhood feels like lost media now. just... me remembering. sometimes i wonder if a memory without a picture is something different. a photo can tell u what something looked like. but it can't tell u what it felt like. it can't tell u how important that completely normal afternoon would become 20 years later. maybe some memories were never meant 2 be documented. maybe they were just meant 2 be lived. i don't even know what i'm looking for anymore. maybe i'm looking for proof. even though i don't have 2 prove anything 2 anyone.

maybe i really DO miss the past. maybe i really did lose something. and i can't get that version back. even if the buildings were all still there, i wouldn't be the same person anymore. and maybe that's the part that hurts.

i was there. i remember being thinking all of it would always be there. and maybe that's what i've really been trying 2 find. that my memories are real. not just my childhood.

it was there. i swear. ♡

entry #7 ~ august 23, 2026
learning japanese again

about 2 years ago, i already tried to actively learn japanese. i was pretty motivated, but eventually it started turning into pressure. especially kanji gave me a lot of that pressure. i constantly felt like i should be able to do more & that i somehow had to keep making progress.

i also remember being scared that i wouldn't have enough time for my other hobbies if i spent too much time learning japanese. which is kinda funny when i think about it now... bc now i actually do have the time for my hobbies. i just don't have much motivation for them rn. a lot of the things i normally enjoy haven't been that fun lately. i'm not rlly in the mood to work on them, even tho i technically have plenty of time. but japanese? for some reason, i actually want to learn it again. and honestly, that's enough for me.

i don't need to turn it into another obligation. i don't have to decide now whether i'll keep doing this for an entire year. i don't have to take an exam. i don't have to reach n1 someday. maybe i'll wake up tomorrow & suddenly have absolutely no interest in it anymore. and that would be okay. what matters is that i want to do it rn.

i already speak german, english & i also know some russian. i'm def not saying that to brag lol... it just makes me think that maybe learning another language isn't as impossible for me as my brain sometimes makes it seem. it'll probably take a long time & japanese is obv very different from the languages i already know. but i don't have to rush it. my actual goal was never really to become fluent in japanese. i mostly want to eventually understand japanese media in the original. it just feels different when you understand something in the original language. translations can obv be really good, however you can't always transfer everything 1:1 into another language. sometimes you have to change the meaning slightly so that it works naturally.

especially when it comes to japanese programs and software made for older operating systems, but also all kinds of obscure content & other things that never received translations. there's just so much interesting stuff that you can barely find information about if you don't understand japanese.

i'm also still thinking about my yt channel. sadly, i haven't been active there for several months now. i don't want to give it up completely... maybe i could translate some stuff for the community. maybe learning japanese can eventually help me reconnect with some of those interests instead of forcing myself to work on them rn.

if i eventually reach n3 or n2, that would already be really cool. but i don't need n1 & i don't need to know every kanji in existence. maybe that's the nicest goal of all. and maybe i'll change my mind again tomorrow. that's oki too.

as long as i'm excited about it rn. ♡

entry #8 ~ august 26, 2026
missing someone...

i'm going 2 miss someone important a lot again over the next few days... i can already see it coming... there are moments when i'm doing better. i'm well distracted & have some me time. but usually at night, when everything is quiet, my thoughts get louder again. idk why it's gotten so strong over the past few months. maybe it's still the feeling of being newly in love. i'm very overwhelmed by these new feelings.

i also know that i wasn't always like this. i was single for a long time & didn't remember anymore what it feels like 2 be lonely. mostly i even liked being alone. the last time i was really lonely was when i was still a teenager. but sometimes i wonder if maybe i was secretly lonely too before my relationship & tried to push it away or simply knew how to deal with it better.

and maybe because i was much more productive back then & could get excited about media more easily. i know that i still have people around me. but somewhere inside, there's still this fear of being a burden bc i know that the people i'm in contact with have their own problems too. and i feel bad when i don't know how to help them either.

i also have the feeling that i'm somehow neglecting the people i already have. not even on purpose. it's almost completely unconscious. maybe i should focus on them more again. ofc, sometimes i still wish i had more contacts again. not even 10 new friends or something. i'd also really like to have people irl who are similar to me. i don't have to desperately search for them, right? most of the time, these things just happen naturally anyway. however i can't shake the feeling that something is missing. maybe i'm secretly hoping that someone or something could fill whatever has been missing lately.

loneliness or missing someone is completely normal. but i just wish it will get easier again soon. hopefully it's just an annoying phase i'm going through rn. at least i still managed to get a few things done today, like studying japanese and playing two visual novels called "never 7 - the end of infinity" & "ever 17 - the out of infinity." otherwise, i had my family and birbs with me. still, the feeling that's bothering me rn won't go away... i've also often tried to push it away, but it doesn't work in the long run. the hours suddenly feel endless too.

maybe i should try to really use this time for myself. maybe i'll even discover something new that i genuinely enjoy. i don't have to fill every minute. i don't have 2 distract myself constantly. i can miss someone & still enjoy doing things on my own. i can have a good day & still wish they were here to tell them about it. and if i have a bad moment, that doesn't mean everything is falling apart.

i can just remind myself: they're still there. i'm still here. and a few days of missing someone don't change that. maybe this is another chance to prove to myself that i can be okay on my own. i'll probably count the days. i'll probably look forward to seeing them again. and i'll probably miss them a stupid amount.

but until then, there's still plenty of life happening here. ♡